Puzzled....but focused
In the past when things are going really wrong and everything seems to be hitting me in the face is when my relationship with God is either on the shelve or starting to go stagnet. Right now my relationship with God is one of the only things keeping me going and keeping me sain. That and a couple of very special friends that have been encouraging to keep my head up and continually look to God.
The whole situation gets me thinking about where God is taking me and what He's wanting me to learn. Is God letting the kaos that I feel in my life go on for a reason.... not to torcher me but to build me, prepare me, make me aware of something?? I don't know but I have to find out!
In the midst of life trials and kaos God is faithful, loving, caring and right there with me through out it all. God what is my lesson in all of this stuff that You need me to figure out?
"My precious child, I never left you during your time of trial. Where you see only one set of footprints I was carrying you."
- Footprints
TD MAN!!!
Wow I can't believe just how slow the day is going....ahhhhh..so annoying! But I have a fun story I call TD bank becuase out Debit costomer pinpad thing was like menal and unreadable. So they were going to send a dude to come and fix it....yay! So he came and needed to use the phone so I had to fine it ...bloody portables...and our phone is retarted it was on puls ..I am not sure you know what that means but it sounded like one of the those old phone that you hit the number in the cirlcle and it took forever to come all the way back......so anyway he was like oh ya I have these phones at home I fix that for you.....as he was fixing the phone the TD on his chest and spandex suit appeared and all at once my hair was blown back and I was in awe of the TD MAN!!!!!!
YAY for TD MAN!!!
Holy can you say random!!!
~Big Sister~
Days off are so nice!! And it was so nice I actually got to sleep in a little bit today... for some reason I think I must be growing up becuase I am not able to sleep in anymore. Which is very unfortunate because I really like my sleep..but I guess it has to happen at sometime or another. I will always be a child deep down inside
So I got a call form my mom last night saying that she needed me to give her as soon as posible. That is wasn't urgent just important...well as soon as I got the message I called her because knowing me I got a little conserned and needed to find out what was going on. So I call my mom and found out that my sister Shantelle is having some family related issues and my mom wanted her to talk to me becuase sicne I have moved out my Shantelle and I have gotten a lot closer and she likes to talk my ear off everytime I go home. Which as my mom puts it is pay back for all the times I go home and talk her ear off....whcther you beleive her or not is up to you..lol!
So Shantelle gave me a call today and we chatted and she was able to tell me what is on her mind and how she is feeling. Also she is graduating from grade 8 next tuesday...ahhh that is so crazy my sister is going to highschool next year!!! Anyway it was alot of fun to talk to her beacuse she also got to tell me about her dress and all that fun jazz..she also asked if I would help do her hair. I love her so much she is such a great girl...huge might I added. She is like 2 intches taller then I am and she is not even 14 yet. Craziness!
You know as much as when we were young we really didn't get a long, now I am so thankful that I can be there for her and let her spill her guts to me because I save..away from home life so she can tell me anything and help her out as much as I can from my experiences. It is such a cool feeling to go home and not just feel loved by my parnets but also that I have a sister who can't wait to hang out with me...it is such a privliage for me to be able to take her under my wing in a way and teach..support..love..play with..and be there when she needs to cry. I like the big sister roll.. and to think that i have another little one coming up and I will be able to do it all over again! Thank you God for giving me the oppertuntiy to be a big sister!
A Daddy's love!
Lord I thank you for your love and care, you are so amazing and you always know exactly what I need and it always comes at the right time, in the right moment. Isn't that so cool how God just knows everything that there is to know about you and me. I love Him so much and I appreciate Him more and more everyday! With me going through a real change in my personal life and dealing with some very real and difficult issues, God is showing his face to me more and more. He is always on my mind...well my thoughts are always on how I am going to deal with my issues and God is just always there saying let me help you. I want to take your burdens, I want to carry them for you, will you let me?. And He's saying to me "My yoke is yoke is easy and my burden is light" Wow where dose that love come from, that He would be willing to take my garbage and give me His perfect will for my life. God has been awing... I am not sure if that is a word but anyways... He has been continually awing me in just showing me that he has been waiting for me to come to him for a long time. And as afraid as I am about getting closer and being intimate because of my hurt ... on a daily basis I am finding myself closer and more intimate and I am loving every minute of it and all it took was me being will and daring to take a step. And God is blowing all of my expactations of how much he cares and loves me,out of the waters and replacing them with a yearning for more and more of Him in my life.
Today was in a great mood and it lasted the whole day! I know that might sound silly but I have been having a lot of mood swings lately..... which has been annoying, But my Jesus, my Heavenly Father has been walking with me every step of the way. He is holding my hand and loving spending time with me. Me.. an insignificant human being who as sinned so many times, and you know what He does? He looks at me with such a proud smile on His face as to say she is mine and I wants to spend every moment that she will let me with her. Wow!
Do you guys want that...to be engulfed with his love and security 24/7? I mean I have just started to feel him this way and I can't wait to wake up in the morning and see where God takes me and what new lesson he will teach me, or what issue he will deal with me on the that day, or who he will guide me to today so that I can help them to become closer to Him. Oh I encourage you to run into his arms and receive the hug that He has for you and everything else He wants to give you. But at the same times that doesn't always mean just stopping everything and waiting. God still has given us free will we need to keep stepping and even though the light only goes so fare in front of you, you will have to have faith that he is going to guide you the rest of the way and know that He is lighting your path. Keep stepping in faith and loving on God ... it is so worth it!
Why do I feel this way?
I feel so lost, so low, so depressed, so unimportant, so out of it. I am walking around and just feeling so withdrawn and totally not myself. I know that I am fighting a spiritual battle, it has just all hit me so fast. I was and am still pumped about dealing with my issues I just thought that I was a little more prepared for this. But maybe I am and that is why Satan is hitting me so hard with the moody, uselessness that I am having.
It is weird I am still really on top of reading my Bible. Which is so good because that is something that I have always seemed to struggle with. But I am looking forward to it and it's always on my mind. I am thinking about what I have read and trying to learn from it. I am reading in Acts and it's teaching that no matter what the end result is, you need live what you believe. And it doesn't matter what people say it's all about you and your God, your Father, your savior, your Creator and your Best Friend.
I am constantly trying to keep my head in tune with God and trying to understanding why am I feeling the way I do. More then anything I want to be so incredible close to God, so intimate...but it frustrates me that I don't know how to be intimate with Him ..... yet! One good thing about this is that I am constantly learning about all I need to deal with. I am getting closer and closer to God through this. It amazes me that through all my moods and lack of understanding, I am getting closer to God.
Thank you Lord for being my strength when I am weak.
In frustration came peace!
I just got home from the worst book table ever! I can't believe that I had to spend from 1:30pm on Friday until 12:30am on Sunday (when I arrived home) at this book table that had like no customers at all. Plus to top it all off I was in charge of the book table...ahhhh ... I don;t know what you do. I have always just done the brunt work and put things where I was told and showed and left when I was told. And they decided to me an amateur in charge.. so to say the least I was just a tad stressed for the weekend. It was soo long and tiring, ahh and I am so wound up from being frustrated and tearing down the whole thing in 45 min. Which has to be like a record time because Julie the girl that was working with and I basically ran the whole time to get everything done.
I am so frustrated with work right now, it seems because they see potential, responsibility, and leadership in me I get to do all the fun stressful jobs with out the pay....Wee luck me. I guess I am just plane stressed with life right now, there are so many things on my plate I don't know where to start first. I just find is a little confusing when everything or at least a lot of things seem to snowball all at once. I don't understand why it happen, but I know that God has things under control.
That is something that lately has been going better, reading my Bible more I'm in Acts right now .... it is a super cool book if you haven't read it I would suggest it. Just to see the boldness, loyalty and love that Peter, John, and Steven had for Christ and where showing by preaching to anyone and everyone. They just didn't care what people said they just knew one thing for sure and that is Jesus came to save the nations and so they took it upon themselves to share the gospel no matter the out cost..for some even death. That really awed me because I wonder what would it like if the church these days had that much faith and passion to see people saved no matter who you are it would be life changing. To see in one sitting 5000 men ...not including women or children come to know Christ because someone was bold enough to stand up and say something to them when they just thought that they were drunk. OH that is so important and the church, I am missing that and I want to have that I want people to know my loving savior who has given absolutely everything He had for us ...people who were worth nothing. Wow that should show and tell you something.
There is always something to be learned in reading the Word, talking with God, journaling....which I also did today and I did a 9 page entry.... having time to just hangout with God. I know I have missed out on that a lot lately and at times avoided it for reason I won't go into right now. But it is so important that we do it so important. God is waiting for you, He is knocking at the door of your heart he wants to spend every minute with you that you will let. I choice to let him in today ... oh it is was sooo worth it. What will you do? He is waiting for you too! Something to keep you thinking.
This is going to hurt...
It is amazing that when you actually take the time to look at yourself .... really look at how you act and deal with difficult situations, it can really surprise you. Over the past week God has been showing me a lot of my flaws and things that I need to work on. And I know that God is doing this for a reason 1.)because God is not a basher of personalities .... He created us for goodness sake.... 2.) because I really feel that God is moving me into a season where He wants to do some remodeling and show me how He sees me and all the potential that I have, and the people that I will one day be able to minister too. But to get there I am going to have to go through a lot of hurt, pain, bitterness, anger, and a lack of trust . I know that the next couple of months (or longer) are going to take a lot out of me and are not going to be fun or easy, but I am so willing to go there, I want the healing. I know that is in the end it is going to be so worth every bit of energy I put into it (even if I don't see how right now)
God first of all I really want to praise you for showing me my flaws, so that I do have some big things to work on and so I can work through them and get freedom with your help. Thank you for loving me so much to even care enough about me to go through this with me. That just blows me away at the thought that you care enough to be with me every step. Lord I ask that through the next couple of months that you would bring everything up that needs to be delt with. God I want to know what it is like to have a father and not be worried about you abandoning me, rejecting me, hurting me , or just not caring. Lord you know that I haven't had a real Father figure to learn from, but your word say "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" So I claim that right now and say I will be successful in learning to love and follow you with all my heart and to truly... from the depths of my soul trust you and lean on you for anything! Amen
Road Trip ...YAY!!
Have I ever mentioned that I really like Ikea? Well I do, Meggs and I spontaneously decide last night to go for a road trip to Ikea! Meggs was looking for something and I was just the tag along...hmm I seem to do that a lot ..oh well. Anyway back to my story oh yes me being a tag a long and I wanted to see what kind of comfitors they had, because it has been like 7 years or something crazy like that since I have had a new one and the one I have it well ...lets just say I don't really like it.
So we were looking around and I stumbled.....not literally this time .... upon a goose down duvet and it was really cheap! So I umed.. and awed.. for a while ....to get it not to get it(?) this is the question?!? Then i was looking at cover for it, and I figured out that it would probably cost me an arm and leg for it so I wasn't going to go for it, because as you may all know I am not made of money! I was about to put it back on shelf when I decided to have a finally look at a nice red one with a fun design that had caught my eye a couple of times on my excerions. I found that it was on sale for $24.99 which is really good considering the others I was looking at were like $49.99. So I decided I would bit the bullet and go for it. But once I was went through cash and looked at my bill after... I was amazed to see that it was actually on sale $19.99 ..... ahhh I was so happy and it looks so nice and soo warm...not that we really need it this time of year, but I used it last night and it was soo good.
So that is my story ... it was excited for me but I do apologize to you who don't care. That is all I have to say for now. Until next play safe and have fun!
