long - emotional - deep ....... enter with caution!!!!
Well it has been a long time since I have blogged. I am sure that some of you are wondering where I have been,what I have been up to, and how I am doing?!? Well hear you go........Right now I am going through a period of time in my life where I am fighting huge challages. I am feeling lots of emotions such as hurt, pain, frustration, bitterness, low self confidence, loneliness, sandness, and WEAKNESS!(the scariest one of all for me) Over the last couple days the one that I have really been fighting is discouragment and wanting to give up. I have to keep my eyes so focused on God and know that he is fight along side me and never leave me alone. I also know that there is one who wants me to fail, and I have been haveing to fight him constantly. It's really hard to go from feeling strong and that you can deal with life...you know my famious saying "I am all good no worries" ... to go from that so abruptly to letting yourself be weak and realy on God 100% and allow (or make) yourself be weak. That has been a hard one for me, becuase I have realized over the past little while I am more controlling then I thought or would like to be. I like to have things in control.... but you know the funny thing is that I never have had things under control... kinda of an annoying though .... God has just been very patience with me and waiting for me to trun everything completly over to him. The way our minds think is a weird at times, I mean to think that we are in control and that we can pull ourselves through..... though it's not easy it makes a lot more sense to lean on God in my opinion! And the rewards are alot greater!
With all of those struggles and concerns has comes spiritual attack. With my guards being lot and me being so tired and weak it's hard to always be on the alert and ready for battle. And to be perfectly honest I think that I have been getting pretty beat up, God is faihful and has be loving me and taking care of me. He badges up my wounds and gets me ready, and out I go again. I feel better and the next thing I know I am taken down again, (like a hard close line shot) and find my way crawling back to God. No matter how many times I have to go back I'm going to continually keep going to God. He is the only one that will can help right now! And the last couple of days I haven't been to a very good job of going back to God, I have been trying to fight on my own agian thinking I can do this.... and I am failing! I hate the feelings of faliure!
God Please for give me for trying to take things into my own hands, please take over again and help me. I am really really weak and I need your strenght to go on. I know you have my life in total control..thank you. I love you Lord and I ask that you would continually father me and help me to allow you to be be my father.
I know that there are reason for the season that I am going through... I don't know the reason, but that is not for me to know. God is my strenght, "I can do ALL things through Him who strenghens me." I will servive this and I will shine once again... I just don't know how long it is going to take. I also think without God in my life I would probably be in a very very bad spot. I am so thankful for Him and all my Amazing friends who truly love me and care about me. With you guys I don't know where I would be. (Special thanks to Meggs for putting up with me and having to live with me!) Thank all for being there for me and all your prayers! Know that is it really appresiated and I don't thank you all enought.
I have couple of things to ask you all who read my blog.. I would ask that you don't make a big deal of my situation. If you see me and think there is somthing up or that I'm be having a really ruff day...just give me a hug, a smile or even just say "you ok", and just leave it at the answer that I give you.(I will talk to you if I need to talk, and to a couple of friends who are accountablity parnters please press through and bear with me on this) There are a couple of reasons that I ask this...1) This is something that is really hard and not easy for me say, it's letting you in to a very volneralbe and weak part of me which is a very difficult thing to do. But I hope by letting you in, it will challege and maybe even encourage you to push through in your own life. If I can go through some that will help you then that makes it all the more worth it. 2) By you asking my thoughts they could come out in frustration at life...therefore I can get frustrated quickly or very emotional and could cause me to gossip and say things I may grow to regreat. Then afterwards I feel like a heel and end up even lower.. beacuse I will go one to beat myself up for my reaction. I know that has happened a couple of times already in the last couple days and I very sorry to you that I have been the victom of me exploding! PLus it could also cause you guys to sin too and I couldn't handle me pulling you guys down too.
With having said that I am not saying that you can't talk to me at all or anything like that...please keep talking to me, I still need fellowship and I have been realizing latly that I am miss that, and that I have been turning into a bit of a hurmet....which is very unsual for me. I need encouragment just as much as anyone else dose and at times more... but please don't get me wrong I am not fishing for a complemnt I am just let some of you know how you can help out. And prayer is always good too!
If you guys have made it through this I commend you, this has been a long and heavy blog but I though I should let you guys know where I am. Know that you are in my heart and my prayers! Thanks!
posted by LA @ 12:34 PM
2 comments
